I had a strong urge to write this morning.
I have so many emotions trapped inside my heart and so many thoughts racing through my mind, yet I barely have the words to formulate how I am really feeling.
One thing I know I do feel is hurt.
Hurt that I am constantly coming across boys that are no good for me, and continually failing to learn a lesson that God has been trying to teach me for years now.
This summer, I had two experiences that taught the same lesson. TWO. Back to Back.
I was in a relationship and in the first one, but we got stuck with “just talking” in the second one. However, both situations equally hurt just because I opened myself up to them and that was really hard for me to do.
I open myself up just for the lies.
I open myself up just for false intentions.
I open myself up just for the games.
I open myself up just for the
“Oh, I am just not interested in a relationship anymore” or “Oh, I am still not over my ex”.
I open myself up to be abandoned. To be used. To be mistreated. To be pushed aside when someone else comes around.
At first, I was so angry when I realized I opened my heart to complete bullshit. I felt sick to my stomach and wanted to erase all the memories I had built with them. I was just so done with dating, relationships, and love. I felt like a discarded, worthless toy and that no one was going to like me for a long time. I was just a temporary love for boys to come to, feel good about ourselves, and leave once they’d found someone more suitable to make a permanent thing. Maybe I didn’t ooze permanency.
The vicious cycle in my mind began—negative thoughts popped out, memories about the person crept up, and then BAM—I was gradually placing myself into the deep end of sadness, frustration, and lack of love.
But for the first time ever, I had the willpower to stop myself.
I realized what I was doing to myself; I was allowing men to dampen my spirit, cast a shadow on my shine, and rip away the love I created for myself.
I had to remember that I was content before I met them. I was okay before I meet them. And, even after they leave my life, I will continue to be good WITHOUT THEM.
I had to remind myself how far I’ve come in my self-love journey and healing process.
I am learning new ways to love myself.
I am learning new things I am passionate about.
I am learning to love and accept myself unconditionally and unapologetically
I am constantly surrounded by abundance, joy, and peace.
I’ve been experiencing so much good, so why would I allow someone to come in and ruin that?
I refuse to destroy the progress I’ve made over someone who is too blinded by my shimmery glow to witness my divine worth. I refuse to stop giving myself unconditional love I refuse to stop allowing people to determine my value I refuse to ruin my peace and allow negativity to rummage through And, I refused to stop growing and healing over seasonal relationships (temporary relationships that only last for a couple of months or a season of life). Thus, that was the lesson I needed to learn all along: to continually love and care for myself regardless of the situations that occur in my life. Although it has taken time to fully grasp this lesson, I finally learned. Now, I am at peace. I am content. I am healed.